When it comes to useless inventions snowboarding is full of them. Every year the biggest blight to snowboarding Old Rich White Guys or O.R.W.G.’s for short invent some kind of crap. See it seems they’re the ones that have the most free time on their hands as well as an abundance of money to actually create this crap that spews forth from the underbelly of the snowboard industry. So what are two O.R.W.G.’s pastimes that should never mix?
Well I’m going with spear hunting and snowboarding, but I’m pretty sure you have your own ideas of what ole’ money bags could put together. Now you see the reason I’m mentioning spear hunting and snowboarding is because of this diabolically redundant invention from the United Kingdom called The Snowboard Pole.
Now I know people are lazy and most haven’t mastered the art of riding boneless but is there any reason to look like you’re pushing a gondola around Venice on snow? No, sack up and unstrap! The best way to get good at something you suck at is to do it more and more till it’s ingrained in your mind on how to do it well.
Is there any need to carry a projectile weapon like this at all? Are you someday going to be trapped in the wild backcountry of Borneo and need this to spear a Wild Boar? On a plus side though this “pole” can double as a harpoon on Whaling Wednesday during those cold winter nights when you need to bag something big and warm. Although operating a pointy object while intoxicated probably isn’t wise as you might have to partake in the walk of shame the next morning, but at least you’ll have a sturdy walking stick for balance.
The only plausible thing I can think this would be used for is Snowboard Halfpipe Thunderdome. Two men enter one man leave. Rivals drop in on opposite sides of the pipe and go back and forth trying to spear each other. Shaun White verse Danny Davis winner takes all. Now that actually sounds far more entertaining than the double chuck yourself ballerina pipe runs we’re seeing lately. You know it could be like Team Red Bull against Team Monster in the energy drink wars, Rockstar is too cheap to get in on this so they’re delegated to playing in the kiddie pipe with foam noodles instead.
Also why on earth would you ever want something clipped in over the top of your instep while you ride? When they invented this did they not realize there’s lateral give while you flex the board carving, stopping, skid turning, or better yet riding the terrain park. Even if the clip allows for some lateral give how much for or aft play will it hinder? I know I like to drive hard into my boots when carving on my toes and I don’t think this thing will help me. Now what about Flows, how do you attach this monstrosity with those? Clip it to your highback? Put it down your pants so everyone can be jealous of your bulge? Shove it up your ass because that’s where turds belong? Anyone have an answer to this paradigm?
So can anyone tell me if this is truly a good idea? Or do we just need to tell people to sack the fuck up and learn how to skate or hold speed?