WTF were they thinking

So today after getting back from the shit show up at Keystone, I decided to catch up on my snowboard news. Nothing really stuck out to me till I saw this press release over on Snowboard Revolution. That’s when I had to ponder what the fuck I was looking at.

What is this heinous looking contraption? At first glance it reminded me of the K2 mock up of the Recon Riser. Then I thought to myself no it looks like a snowboard got fucked by a Stealth Bomber. It almost looks like something from Knight Rider 2010.

Oh how that final thought was almost dead on to this ugly ass thing. Evidently yet another fucking whack job inventor that snowboards but hasn’t been around has created this futuristic hunk of shit.

A new “snowboard” that will forever change the snowboard business as we know it

San Mateo, CA – As a result of our singular quest for the most advance snowboard ever, Cheetah Ultra Sports, LLC, officially introduced “The Whip”.

The Whip Snowboard Since the early 80’s, there have been numerous claims of design breakthroughs by snowboard makers. But the truth is that although the construction of the boards has improved and the graphics have (arguably) gotten prettier, there hasn’t been anything significantly new in basic snowboard design in almost 25 years.

The last real breakthrough in snowboard design took place around the time Apple introduced the first revolutionary Macintosh. Sony’s Walkman was still the portable music player of choice. And the only cellular phone on the market at that time weighed 2 pounds, had a talk time of only one hour and cost a cool $3,995.

Steel edges were added to the hourglass-shaped snowboard during that time. This was a real breakthrough. Not only did it transform the sport of snow surfing into snowboarding, it propelled the sport of snowboarding into the multi-million-dollar industry that it is today. It even led to the birth of shaped-skis which also revolutionized the sport of skiing.

Today, much has changed. Earlier this year Apple, now synonymous with innovation, again surprised the world with the latest ultra-thin Macbook Air and its iPod products continue to dominate the portable music market. Even with hints of global recession, people around the world still lined up for days just to get their hands on the latest iPhone.

Yet snowboard manufacturers large and small, despite the yearly hype about all kinds of new technological improvements, continue to manufacture snowboards with the same old design.

Well, things are finally about to get interesting. Change is coming…

The days of the same old snowboard design are numbered. The era of masking the lack of innovation with pretty graphics is over. Creative marketing alone just won’t do. Real innovation through technology is the future. It is time to move up to a new dimension. Openness will lead the way. At last, a breakthrough in design that would make the iphone generation and the Batman proud….

No photos of half naked girls
No crazy cartoons
No slick graphics
No chatter…

Fit better.

Go faster.
Cruise smoother.
Turn quicker.
Edge harder.
Carve sharper.
Jump higher.
Land softer.
Feel stronger.
Stay longer.

About Cheetah Ultra Sports, LLC.

Cheetah Ultra Sports is based in San Mateo, CA. Our existence of today is a direct result of the total lack of innovation in the snowboard manufactures. We wanted a better snowboard and had little interest in pretty graphics. Since everyone pretty much made the same thing, and no one made anything that is significantly better, we had to design and build it ourselves. Our design was so much better and attracted so much attention, we decided to make it our business.

I want to know what fucking time warp these dumb asses are stuck in that snowboards haven’t changed. Evidently they haven’t looked at ICS, EST, Rocker, Reverse Camber, Reverse Sidecut, Asymetrical Sidecuts, R.C. Technology, Magnetraction, Structurn, V rocker, Bronze Edges, Concave bases, Banana Technology, and I’m pretty sure there’s a substantial lot of things I’m leaving out to thatl list. So I will say it again what the fuck are they smoking?

Perhaps that talk of a 2 pound cell phone that cost almost 4 grand was to lessen the sticker shock of the 1,899 dollar price tag they slapped on this pile. Seriously for that much money it better come with some hookers and blow. It had better be more revolutionary than the Palmer Platinum LE at that price.

You want to talk about marketing hype these guys are definitely trying to pump it out something fierce in this press release. Hell so far I’ve seen them over hype one function 3 times with how it rides on edge, carves, and turns. Then you have them shit talking established brands with the image they use.

Now lets look at their website. To do a preorder you have to click a check box stating all the obvious that snowboarding is an inherently dangerous sport, you could die, our product sucks blah blah blah. Wouldn’t slapping a sticker somewhere on your product just be easier than putting it on a preorder link? Now after checking it I was greeted by this, “ We are currently filling advance-orders that were placed during the development stages. As soon as those orders are filled, we will start to accept regular preorders. Please leave us your contact information and we will contact you when we are ready (with an expected shipping date.) Thank you.” Who or what was placing advanced orders? Seriously I want to know. My only guess was that it was the producers of xXx 3 using it as some high tech board that Vin Diesel and Ice Cube would ride in some futuristic game of death jousting with machine guns and lasers.

How well do you honestly think you could butter a board with a hallowed out section in the middle? Hell didn’t Santa Cruz do something like this years ago? I can’t remember. Second who the fuck wants a leaf spring that’s a moving part on their board? For starters that’s a ton of extra parts that my guess somewhat move. Secondly what happens when I’m going through a bunch of dead fall and I hook a branch under one of those fucking death traps and it catapults me to oblivion? I’ve pretty much given up carrying about waist widths anymore but 23.5 on a 158 who the hell was the foot model for this board?

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