Look, I know it’s been a few years since we dated, but something has been on my mind this whole time. You and I were at your house one day when I said something I probably shouldn’t have said. I said snowboarding is better than sex, and I’ve never seen you more angry with me.
“Then why don’t you just have sex with your snowboard?” you said.
Now I realize just how wrong I was, and I want to apologize. I think you misunderstood what I really meant when I said that. You see, it’s not that snowboarding is better than having sex in general. It’s more like snowboarding is better than having sex… with you.
Now now now. There’s a big difference here. You said why don’t you just have sex with your snowboard, and I think you fail to understand that I never said “having sex with a snowboard is better than having sex with you.” If one were to pit you against a snowboard in the sexual arena, you would surely emerge the victor for a number of reasons.
You need to understand that my meaning was a little more subtle. I was merely implying that there are a number of activities and other females that, when compared to being around you, are qualitatively better. Snowboarding is one of them. So is that girl who doesn’t wait up for me at home all day. You know, the one who has hobbies.
I understand that what I said may have come across as brash, but let me put it to you this way.
1.) You could read a few more books.
2.) You could get outside more.
3.) You could put more effort into your outward appearance (but not so much that it prevents you from doing either 1 or 2).
A minor improvement in any one of these categories could easily tilt the balance in your favor.
So what are you waiting for? The moment is ripe for you to stop being so shitty to be around. Now is the time to do something awesome -like making a castle out of cheese blocks and nacho chips, only to stick it in the microwave and watch as a glorious snack rises like a phoenix from the ashes.
I don’t care what you pick. It’s bound to be better than obsessing over why I chose to go snowboarding instead of spending time with you.