Originally this was going to be like any other movie premiere recap documenting the typical exploits of dealing with the tight Never Summer tee shirt scene of bros in Denver, but alas the snowboard gods decided to send me on an unholy mission to fight off the hordes of unholy she-beasts known as Gnargoyles. Now you’re probably asking yourself at this point what a Gnargoyle is and more importantly if you have ever encountered one. Gnargoyles only exist in the snowboard scene being that covering themselves from the sunlight under a heavy shroud of mystery or it could just be face eating goggles and a balaclava, protects them from the suns golden rays of judgement. On any given eve after the moon has risen they awake from their almost stone like slumber, breaking free from the shackles of questionable decisions to descend on the bar scene of Breckenridge or in this case Denver.
Laser eyes are a side effect of looking at a Gnargoyle!
If you’re expecting me to talk about the movies this is all you need to know. Enlighten still wasn’t finished but Frank April killed it, Darkside was heavy watch for my personal favorites Jake Olson-Elm and Danimals, and of course Birds of a Shitfeather is a must watch for this season if you love beers, boobies, broads, and boarding (not necessarily in that order).
As the movie wrapped our crew which consisted of Lanny the owner of Phunkshun Wear, Jay their Marketing Manager, and Steve aka Dad or Old Man their sales manager. While standing outside the front of the music hall we got to bare witness to one of the dumbest statements made from a drunken Gnargoyle. As she stood on the curb with a broken heel in her hand hailing a cab she screamed at the driver, “Take me to Beta!” From where I stood I could see Beta located no more than 30 feet away. Sheer brilliance was in the air along with a hint of inebriation. From our vantage point we were able to see stumbling, bumbling, and tripping Gnargoyles pour out into the streets, it was like an undead horde controlled by dubstep invading Blake Street.
Jay was now about 15 double Vodka and Redbulls in and had the great idea to prowl the streets and by prowl I mean find the first place that looked like there were people in it. So of course we headed off to meet up at a place called the Gin Mill and this is where the Gnargoyle attack took place. Now I’m not privy to anything that happens in Denver nor do I care because as far as I’m concerned it’s nothing more than Korean nuclear target should the events of the Red Dawn remake ever happen, but evidently it was cruiser night which meant slutty cow girls and guys with cowboy hats. It reminded me of living in Steamboat minus the lack of Texas accents.
As the night went on and I continued to sip down my diet fat free ice water, Lanny and Jay were pounding rum and cokes while Steve was taking the typical old man approach and saying he had to go home. It was somewhere at this point that I ran into one of the many sub reps for Salomon/Bonfire Lewis who is a mutual friend of both mine and Jays. Lewis pointed out there was a drunk German girl at the front of the bar that may or may not have been under the age of 21 by a few years and was looking for something to take home. Jay always a man to throw himself on the grenade proceeded to go talk to her.
This is what we encountered at last call.
As we all stood by in horror it was like that scene from the end of Jaws where Robert Shaw gets eaten by the shark. She devoured poor Jays face, I saw flashes of light from their mouths, his eyes rolling back into his head, I think there was even epic music of some variety playing. Lewis was traumatized and had to run to his gnome hole. Now as I stood there in horror this land whale hoisted up on two bar stools next to me decided she wanted to try her luck. As this ride has a weight limit and I don’t have a CDL she was left to wallow by herself, but not before repeatedly using the phrase, “You go girl” to me. Evidently someone forget to tell her one that she was white and two that her saying of choice had died some 15 years ago. Then again I don’t think that was the only thing had died around her either.
After leaving the bar one would think a Gnargoyle attack on the streets wouldn’t happen, but alas poor Lanny fell to the attack of the crackhead siren of Market Street. While pan handling for change and stumbling over the words spewing from her toothless maw she somehow managed to convince the poor guy to give her money and then proceeded to give him a hug and lick his neck. We promptly used fire to disinfect the targeted area, although having not heard from him in two days I suspect that he has now died of some zombie like infection caused by this super crack fueled Gnargoyle.
No trip down alcohol lane in Denver isn’t complete without a stop at a diner at three in the morning. Our waitress who definitely lacked sound reasoning abilities as well as a good male role model in her life was not amused with the three of us, or more importantly Jay who proceeded to believe he was Batman and no it wasn’t the good Michael Keaton one. Upon realizing that Lanny had passed out from over exerting himself from eating toast or fighting whatever zombie virus had infected his neck she asked if we had a long drive. I informed her we had to go back to Summit County and she told us she didn’t know where that was and that she didn’t ski or snowboard. How she couldn’t geographically know where that is after saying she lived in Colorado her whole life was amazing, but not as amazing as understanding its connections to snow sports.
So yes it is true this is probably not how you should attend a movie premiere as it seemed like less broing down and more hoing down. Just remember Gnargoyles now and forever!