Toward A Unified Theory Of Gaperian Motion

Gaperian motion still remains a mystery. While it is known that most gapers stick to a pre-defined path that sweeps across the widest run, many physicists are puzzled to find that some gapers stop and start so suddenly that it is difficult to plot their trajectories with any degree of accuracy. It appears as though the standard laws of Newtonian Mechanics simply do not apply.Contrary to common knowledge, a gaper in motion does not tend to stay in motion, and a gaper at a standstill could start moving at any moment. It would appear, then, that the existence of the gaper is in strict violation of the fundamental laws of physics. How can we explain this anomaly?

Physicists from across the world have gathered for years and years, each attempting to formulate a hypothesis that can adequately handle all of the variations and slight perturbations in a typical gaper’s trajectory. Sadly, each of these theories has met its demise. Infinities have arisen out of nowhere. Large sets of data have been organized into matrices and equations that even the world’s most advanced supercomputers cannot solve.

What we need is an elegant solution, a simple set of rules derived from the underlying thread that explains the nature of all gapers. At the core, gapers possess two distinct characteristics: extreme awkwardness and a complete lack of social awareness. When we take these characteristics into account, it is very easy to derive the following three laws of Gaperian Motion.

The First Law Of Gaperian Motion
When gapers move, their end goal is to both obstruct and annoy. Where there is no crowd, gapers randomly cluster together to form an impenetrable barrier. Whereas a straight trajectory would give gapers the necessary space to navigate the slopes, most gapers decide it is in their best interest to traverse across the entire mountain.

Likewise, if you are entering the lodge, a crowd of gapers is leaving. If you are exiting the lodge, the gapers have decided it’s time for lunch.

The first law of Gaperian Motion is also meaningful in a larger temporal context. Gapers tend to arrive and cluster together at the height of your enjoyment. Just as soon as you thought your chairlift ride was safe, one gaper’s motion causes all lift motion to cease. When one is on the slopes, one is perpetually locked in a causal web influenced entirely by Gaperian Motion.

The Second Law Of Gaperian Motion
Gapers always take the least efficient path to any destination. An ordinary physical object, like a large boulder, rolls straight down a hill. A gaper, on the other hand, zig zags across the hill at the expense of extra energy. The longer the traverse, the more likely it is you will find a gaper attempting to cross it. If the traverse occurs in front of a major traffic area, you can expect the gaper to appear out of nowhere and take forever to make the crossing. The time it takes the gaper to cross is directly proportional to the number of people his or her motion affects.

The Third Law Of Gaperian Motion
There is always a tendency for gapers to come to a complete stop at known gaper attractor zones. These zones tend to be the landings of jumps, tight corners, gates, hidden tree areas, and the entrances and exits of chairlifts. The following differential equation mapping illustrates a known gaper trajectory.

Pay close attention to the horizontal green arrows. Gapers near the lower rail section tend to accelerate toward riders as they hop off the rails. Where there are no arrows, gapers come to a complete and unexpected stop. It often takes an external force or a switch-720-tail-tap to remove the gaper from this virtual gravity well.

The actual mechanism by which the gaper manages to disrupt Newtonian mechanics remains unknown. We can only conjecture that it is a byproduct of the Texas Tuck. Until a more in- depth analysis of the tuck is forthcoming, we are left with a disparate theory of gaperian motion that only explains a limited set of gaper trajectories. With due time, we will come to a full understanding of all possible gaper trajectories and the unique set of differential equations that map them.

Ted is a freelance snowboarding journalist living in Breckenridge, CO. His passions include going inverted twice in a row and landing on his back, saving babies from sinking battleships, and of course making apps for Iphones.

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  1. Jake says:

    It must be some part of quantum mechanics and the uncertainty principle that the gaper law follows!.

  2. Otis says:

    Its kinda confusing. All I see are arrows..

  3. [...] everyday experience that they are simply accepted without further question. My previous treatise on Gaper-Bro Fluid Dynamics was incomplete. It lacked a critical component that explains how it is possible for Bros to [...]

  4. Becca says:

    I have never read something that was so spot on correct! Absolutely perfect description of gapers. Well done sir, well done.

  5. Will Mayo says:

    i love this shit

  6. @nigbeats says:

    This makes me really happy. Thanks, Ted.

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