The Snowboard Cheese Grater
When you think of bad ideas in snowboarding there should be only one geographical location that comes to mind. It permeates the snowboard industry being home to countless snowboard companies. Bad ideas aren’t merely created there but bred. It seems that Southern California or as I have dubbed it Bro-Cal is the epicenter of snowboard stupidity. Is there something in the water or perhaps an abundance of people with extra chromosomes? This is one of those ageless questions that mankind will struggle to answer.
Following up on the success of such things as Bro-Cal Bindings and The Whip we now have the Cryo Snowboard. Oh joy you’re saying just another snowboard company from California that probably uses the played out catch phrases of ‘by riders for riders’ or ‘putting the fun back in snowboarding’, well relax it’s not lame on that level. Instead the kook factor is that they’ve invented a snowboard with a glory hole.
Yes that’s right they found a way to shoot white loads into the sky.
What is the purpose of this bad idea? You can get the same effect from a swallow tail but then again that would mean you’re riding deep pow where shooting a spray like that is highly encouraged, not riding slush in SoCal where all you’re likely to do is piss people off.
How does it work? Well this is the description from their ‘engineer':
The COREBLAST works like a cheesegrater. As the snowboard rides flat along the slopes, soft snow is shaved off the top of the slope and expelled through an angled duct into the air behind the rider. When I started out designing the COREBLAST, it was a rigid duct that would work but it would drag significantly and noticeably and by the end of an icy day, the entire scoop would be worn down to nothing. That’s when I added the retractable spring-action duct on the COREBLAST and I haven’t changed the design since.
Awesome man you put something that drags on the snow. Oh wait according to this completely biased but honest testimonial they had this to say:
And theoretically, yes. It will have a slight drag during riding…a SLIGHT UNNOTICEABLE drag. Not a single snowboarder who has ever ridden the board has ever said that they felt slowed while riding, even in the ICIEST of conditions…and I did most of my testing in Big Bear, CA which is no stranger to icy slopes…;) I love you Big Bear…but you are a little icy sometimes.
So how many people have ridden one of these?
The only way this could pose some real perfect function is in the backcountry. After a night of hard partying when the whiskey shits hit and you don’t have any toilet paper you could theoretically find a way to use it as a bidet. Just drop your trousers and give yourself an anal white washing.
Thankfully these guys realized that not everyone wants to ride around with a white pee stream shooting out their boards ass like it’s overloaded on ExLax. Enter their version of a snowboard butt plug.
So other than a complete novelty of shooting rooster tails from your board is this really reinventing anything? Nope it’s just another gimmick of an idea. But relax for those that are pro ‘Merica this board is made in the good ole U. S. of A. so it at least has that going for it.