The Snowboard Cheese Grater

When you think of bad ideas in snowboarding there should be only one geographical location that comes to mind. It permeates the snowboard industry being home to countless snowboard companies. Bad ideas aren’t merely created there but bred. It seems that Southern California or as I have dubbed it Bro-Cal is the epicenter of snowboard stupidity. Is there something in the water or perhaps an abundance of people with extra chromosomes? This is one of those ageless questions that mankind will struggle to answer.

Following up on the success of such things as Bro-Cal Bindings and The Whip we now have the Cryo Snowboard. Oh joy you’re saying just another snowboard company from California that probably uses the played out catch phrases of ‘by riders for riders’ or ‘putting the fun back in snowboarding’, well relax it’s not lame on that level. Instead the kook factor is that they’ve invented a snowboard with a glory hole.

Yes that’s right they found a way to shoot white loads into the sky.

What is the purpose of this bad idea? You can get the same effect from a swallow tail but then again that would mean you’re riding deep pow where shooting a spray like that is highly encouraged, not riding slush in SoCal where all you’re likely to do is piss people off.

How does it work? Well this is the description from their ‘engineer':

The COREBLAST works like a cheesegrater. As the snowboard rides flat along the slopes, soft snow is shaved off the top of the slope and expelled through an angled duct into the air behind the rider. When I started out designing the COREBLAST, it was a rigid duct that would work but it would drag significantly and noticeably and by the end of an icy day, the entire scoop would be worn down to nothing. That’s when I added the retractable spring-action duct on the COREBLAST and I haven’t changed the design since.

Awesome man you put something that drags on the snow. Oh wait according to this completely biased but honest testimonial they had this to say:

And theoretically, yes. It will have a slight drag during riding…a SLIGHT UNNOTICEABLE drag. Not a single snowboarder who has ever ridden the board has ever said that they felt slowed while riding, even in the ICIEST of conditions…and I did most of my testing in Big Bear, CA which is no stranger to icy slopes…;) I love you Big Bear…but you are a little icy sometimes.

So how many people have ridden one of these?

The only way this could pose some real perfect function is in the backcountry. After a night of hard partying when the whiskey shits hit and you don’t have any toilet paper you could theoretically find a way to use it as a bidet. Just drop your trousers and give yourself an anal white washing.

Thankfully these guys realized that not everyone wants to ride around with a white pee stream shooting out their boards ass like it’s overloaded on ExLax. Enter their version of a snowboard butt plug.

So other than a complete novelty of shooting rooster tails from your board is this really reinventing anything? Nope it’s just another gimmick of an idea. But relax for those that are pro ‘Merica this board is made in the good ole U. S. of A. so it at least has that going for it.

Causes controversy!

Latest posts by Angrysnowboarder (Posts)

32 Comments

  1. […] pretty much sums up that retarded cryo video The Angry Snowboarder Blog Archive The Snowboard Cheese Grater As far as Knife Show. Casey is somewhat hooked up by Bataleon, Mike works for XPlay on the G4 […]

  2. Dave says:

    Haha, this reminds me of the Makboard: http://www.makboard.com. Apparently, they’re making a come back…

  3. ds says:

    Marketing: Can we make the boards lighter, still keep the same stiffness, and sell it cheap? We can call it an “air-core”.
    Engineer: No. We don’t have the money to spend on advanced materials and R&D. It would make the board to expensive.

    Marketing: Can’t we make the edge hold better for our icy hills in so-cal?
    Engineer: No. Mervin and Burton have all the patents on those ideas. And we’d have to change our press shapes and that would make the board too expensive.

    Marketing: Can’t we make the base super fast for racing and stuff?
    Engineer: No. See your “air-core” idea.

    Marketing: How about rock-
    Engineer: For FUCKS sake, no! We can’t do any of this on your $22 budget.

    Marketing: Well, what the hell can we do?
    Engineer: Uhh, we can drill a hole in the base so you get covered in slop all day.
    Marketing: Brilliant! It’ll be like hot Japanese anime porn!
    Engineer: I’m going to go try to kill myself on my lunch break. I think I might be late to that 2:00 meeting.

  4. *engineer* says:

    Hahahahaa…Ouch.  Angrysnowboarder has lived up to his name.  How did we end up on this blog so early???

    Actually, you kinda nailed it with the butt-plug reference.  We started out calling the CliqCore interface port CoreHole but we thought better of it.

    So CliqCore is an interface in the board that accomodates proprietary snap-in accessories.
    The roostertail is the the first accessory that we’ve put out there.  We have more in the pipe including a camera attachment  and something for the urban riders and rail freak.
     
    As far as board tech goes, being trained aerospace engineers we’ve got some seriously crazy R&D going on now for improvements to base speed, vibration damping, edge control, controlling board stiffness, etc.  Some stuff will make it out for 2011/2012 season, others that take longer to develop will be out the seasons to follow.

    So enjoy dishing on the CoreBlast but don’t be too much of a hater cause you might miss something you like in the future.  And BTW, it doesn’t slow you down…

    *Engineer*

  5. Why on earth do all these people with aerospace back grounds suddenly think they can make a fucking snowboard?

  6. tootall says:

    Is it now illegal for aerospace engineers to also be snowboarders?

    Maybe we should all wait for a low IQ snowboarder to come up with the next new idea, engineer it, fund a company, produce sellable boards and market them.

    …then maybe angrysnowboarder will accept their fucking idea.

  7. Matt says:

    Apparently making snowboards “is” rocket science!

  8. Most of the best board designers don’t have college degrees and are innovative. Also if you find this as the next great new idea I feel bad for you. Way better tech coming out of companies with way better ‘engineers’ working there.

  9. Allie says:

    Hold on! The real question is….
    can I use this to shred Parmesan cheese when I make Lasagna?

    I think they need to contact the slap chop guy as part of their marketing plan.

  10. e says:

    U need to be a rocket surgeon to design snowboards. It sure as hell helps to have some engineering ability with actually being able to ride. Being an engineer doesn’t mean you can design a board or binding, usually means it’s over engineered, looks gay, rides like shit, costs way too much & the factory can’t actually produce it for production. If you don’t live/breathe boarding, then don’t waste your time/money.

    butrun/mervin don’t have patents on their edge design….so copy away, but mervin is going for it when combined with rocker

  11. RDuke says:

    Great design.

    Capita is interested in licensing, maybe, rumor.

    I want one to kick shit into skiers faces…..love FACE SHOTS MAN, FACE SHOTS, think about it.

    ANgry will make a 360 on this one. Mark my half assed words.

  12. You do realize a 360 means I’d just spin in a full circle and keep on going right?

  13. e says:

    can i get one that sprays from the nose to my face?

  14. Jed says:

    I don’t get it. What is the point of this? Why on earth would you want this? All it would do is annoy anyone riding behind you…

  15. *engineer* says:

    It only shoots snow when your bombing flatbottom and the faster you go the higher it goes. You can carve all day and nothing really happens and you wont even know its there. Both riders in the video rode all spring on the crowded Big Bear slopes and didnt get a single complaint from fellow riders. Riders would actually repeatedly chase them down to the lift line to see what was up with their board. Its only purpose is an additional fun thing to do while riding…carve, carve, carve, flat for a stretch and blast a sweet roostertail. So you gotta be able to ride flat fast to get it to go so not every noob with a board will be blasting 20′ streams.

  16. Jed says:

    I still don’t get why anyone would want to be blasting any snow from the back of their snowboard. I don’t see how that’s any fun. You could attach LEDs to a snowboard and get people chasing you down and asking you about your snowboard, that doesn’t make it a good thing.

    If anything, I’d rather pay to not be spraying snow out the back of my snowboard.

  17. Jed it’s simple being that they’re from SoCal they wanted to be part of the Jizz Biz and provide all the porn stars with bukkake snow blasts.

  18. Jake says:

    My family had some jet skis when I was younger and this reminds me of those stupid ones that shoot out that tail of water in the back… But as angry has said, they’re from cali, They’re just all snobs with dreams of pretentiousness.

    Former southern cali resident -_-

  19. Broc says:

    Im still confused as to why they keep arguing that because they are “engineers” they can make a better board. Id trust a hobo that rode 100+ days a year, built his own boards , and never graduated high school, over your guys’ “engineered boards”. Just sayin…

  20. Shaun says:

    How can you hate on a product you’ve never tried raging snowboarder? Are you that bored in your mothers basement after going through your gay porn collection a few too many times that you decide to start nerd raging on a new product that some people may very well find fun? In stead of being a cynical raging e-thug why don’t you give the board a shot and see how you feel? Also, the cliqcore attachment seems to be only one of many “apps” that fit into the cliqcore hole as the engineer said earlier. If you don’t like it, DONT RIDE IT! For all of us out to try something new and snowboard related it may be kinda fun to spray the groups of people sitting down in the middle of the runs.

  21. ds says:

    In my mind it’s a solution looking for a problem. If other things are going be mounted there than there are better options. Suction cups and velcro do well on boards and they allow whatever is being mounted to be moved into different positions instead of rigidly stuck behind the rider.

  22. Lamer says:

    Who gives a shit about this product? If you like it, use it. If you don’t, why give anyone shit for using it? Oh yeah, we’re individuals but have to conform to what all the fucking dickhead snowboarders this is cool.

    But that’s side tracking. The real issue here is how fucking lame So Cal is and why is it all those dumbfucks who work at legit brands think it’s so great to be there and how it is actually a good place for the snowboard industry. It sucks for the industry and snowboard media when they all sit around talking about surfing all day and then decide they need to do something about snowboarding because it’s their job. They lose touch with mountains and snow and become self important tool bags with no fucking clue. There are plenty of those idiots who actually believe it’s the best place for the industry because it’s close to Hollywood…..go ride and shut the fuck up.

  23. *engineer* says:

    So much anger! Crazy…

    Jed, how about you send us $100 or else we’ll send you a board that blasts a 20′ pulsating snow geyser…with your name monongramed on if…you have 3 days to send us the cash or the board is in the mail.

  24. Lamer makes the most valuable point about the snowboard industry FUCK SOCAL!

  25. mick says:

    so if i ride that board switch im gonna have a snow facial? and if i do a tail press that plastic thing will fly away?

  26. *engineer* says:

    Unlike all the competing snowblasting technologies on the market…no and no.

    Watch this video as the rider comes off the box in switch and no snow shoots up in his grill.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36g6FKqwaJ4

    Also, we’ve bent the hell out of the board and the CoreBlast doesn’t pop out. Most of the flex happens closer to the nose/tail.

  27. *engineer* says:

    So fair enough Angry. You’re more than entitled to your opinion and we at Cryo respect that.

    However, we feel the only fair way to bash a producf is to actually try it out.

    Early next season, we want to send you a board so you can do a real product review. You can ride it in any snow conditions you choose, and then you can give a true assessment of our product. We’ve had numerous skeptics ride the board and have always come away with a different tone.

    Game?

  28. It’s a cambered snowboard with a hole in it, there is nothing revolutionary about it at all. If you want to send it go for it.

  29. […] The Angry Snowboarder Blog Archive The Snowboard Cheese Grater They want to send me one. I'm betting with that hole in the tail I can snap it on a jump. __________________ Angry Snowboarder Because someone has to call it how they see it! […]

  30. Anthony says:

    I hope the retarded engineer knows that his board is no different than any other cambered board and the review is still gonna be 100% negative because your board is not even the slightest bit attractive in anyway… also unless you live in the hood, dont say grill. you are an “engineer”… not a black person.

  31. Anthony says:

    and this may be a coincidence…http://www.cryobank.com/ its a sperm bank

Leave a Comment