The Self Lubricating Love Glove
With the economy completely in the shitter it’s getting harder and harder to find Old Rich White Guys to spend their money on bad ideas. Because of this it’s become even harder for myself to find bad products to mock and keep you entertained. But alas it seems that gaining notoriety as a “reputable snowboard website” can be a blessing in disguise, what with people sending me press releases for their new upcoming products or my personal favorite asking me to utilize the readership of this site to crowd fund their new invention.
Seems that with most old rich white guys running out of money like Randolph and Mortimer Duke this is the only way to try and get peoples bad ideas funded. Oh man I remember when Randy and Morty were living the high life. Guess they’re dead now.
Needless to say because of people like you we can now have bad ideas like this, the self lubricating jerk off glove… Oops I mean a winter hand garment that keeps your hands soft and smooth protecting them from the elements while moisturizing. . At least that’s what Darksyde Outerwear seems to want to accomplish with their Darksyders.
Look it’s the first glove that will ever keep you warm, protected, and dry! Wait isn’t that essentially the same marketing ploy as every other glove on the market? I mean hell other than the warmth factor I’m pretty sure a latex glove could keep me protected and dry even while finger banging a Tundra Wookiee on a cold winters night. Oh wait my bad it’ll keep you lubricated for when you’re raw dogging out in the elements. Finally I can penetrate Mother Natures orifices with ease, thank you DarkSyde! Or better still I can now figure out what size condom I need by fucking any of these fingers holes.
I’ve lived at elevation for years and endured countless hours in the snow for my passion of snowboarding. Dry hands happen but never to a degree that warrants having to have a glove that keeps me lubed up. But alas this was an idea forged from the mind of a seasonal snow carnie so perhaps they know more about the needs of those in the elements as they stand around outside.
To add a little depth of where this idea was spawned from, all one needs to do is read this statement from their about page.
My name is Brittany. I have a passion for travel and action sports. I’m willing to try anything once, twice if I like it. So far I’ve skydived the Swiss Alps, bungee jumped in Australia, trekked the rain forests of Fiji, caved in New Zealand, slept on a beach in Spain, and cliff dived in Greece. I’m very laid back and my life goal is to travel to all seven continents.
I spent this past winter in Telluride, CO as a liftie at the ski resort and went through countless bottles of lotion trying to keep my skin soft and healthy. It sucked. I want to change that.
My background is in Product Development and Engineering. So I guarantee these gloves will look amazing. But don’t worry, I play just as hard as I work, so they’ll be durable too.
Yay for amazing life accomplishments that some how found you working for minimum wage as a snow carnie. Seriously you did all that and some how ended up on the bottom of the food change in the resort hierarchy?
Now anyone that lives full time in a mountain town in the Rockies can tell you that your skin might be a bit more susceptible to the elements due to the drier climate and the elevation. More often than not all you need to do is be better hydrated, but when you’re a snow carnie subsisting on ramen and whiskey that just doesn’t happen. Maybe this glove would be better suited to an alcoholic with a skin disorder? Hmm there you go a new cross market.
Then there’s the whole slimy feeling that some lotions leave on hands. If you’re out there riding and sweating into the glove with all this lube isn’t that just going to cause a clam effect? I know you said you have a degree in Product Development and Engineering but this just seems like something you need to mention. After all no one wants their hands to be a clam, especially after riding when they’re about to go get their apres on and having optimal hand pressure to pint glass control is highly needed. Although I’m sure you have a lot of practical hands on experience in the snow industry developing new ideas from start to finish.
Thankfully this product has gotten less than 300 dollars on it’s attempt to be crowd funded on Indiegogo. And then there’s one thing that mystifies me the most why the hell is it called Darksyde Outerwear? You’re not making pants and jackets just gloves and one base layer top, were you hoping to expand to a one piece ski suit that would lubricate your body? If you are is it going to look like this scene from The Naked Gun?