Every phrase or term has a beginning whether by chance or the sheer necessity of the situation at hand. As many of you have noticed we toss the term Gnargoyle around to describe a certain bar patrolling creature of the night in mountain towns. What many of you don’t know is the true story of how this term came to be. Below you will find a first hand recounting of the night that changed the mountain town dating scene forever, names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Early into the shred season of 07/08 as the snow fell on the peaks of Summit County and more importantly the town of Breckenridge a group of fine upstanding shred fellows including myself made their way out on the town for a night they soon wouldn’t forget. I as the elected sober officiator was to make sure no harm were to befall this group as the libations flowed freely and promptly return them to their domicile via the trusty shred-mobile. It was a joyous night of celebrating all that the world and more importantly snowboarding had to offer us.
As the night went on and the group became entranced by the horrible robot sex noises now known as Dubstep it was evident their blood lust for a struggle snuggle was at an all time apex. Ron B. Shredenstein had found himself a fresh off the boat blonde vixen to head home with and his night was set in stone. My duties as his sober defender were nullified when he said he would ride the loser cruiser (Summit Stage) in the morning while performing the annual passage of the walk of shame. That just left me to keep an eye on Jasper Von Radenshred the senior member of the group. He was in rare form this fine eve as the red high fructose bovine had meet up with its Russian friend in the form of diabetes in a glass.
Some time around the witching hour was the first interaction with the she-beast in question. She had set her eyes on Jasper and made contact. She was a short, dark haired vixen with one priority on her mind. Upon initiating conversation the two found one common ground, both were from a similar area of the old country or as you might know it: the east coast. As words were exchanged I could see her velociraptor like claws come out and she was just itching to sink them into his meaty fleshwads. It was inevitable that I would be taking this soldier back to base, he was going to also be making regrettable decisions of morality, but who am I to throw out the proverbial cock block. So I just let this train wreck in the making continue.
At the time of last call I found these two embraced in the thralls of passion or maybe it was just alcohol fueled heat. Either way they were tongue fencing something fierce in a dark corner of the bar and I had to pry them apart to ask what should have been the one final question of the night of where I would be taking them. To which this make-up caked creature responding, “lets go back to my place”.
Having been entrusted to drive the black chariot of shred, I unwillingly obliged. Upon pulling into the parking lot of her struggle snuggle shack, one of the greatest quotes ever said in any mountain town was directed at me. It’s one of those lines you never forget because it changes the sheer fabric of the shred time space continuum. And I quote these words came out from this chicks mouth, “Where you going? You should come in I have two hot slutty roommates! They will totally put out.” At this point I looked to Jasper for guidance like a deer caught in the headlights, his only response was to wave me on as he proceeded to stab this creatures mouth with his tongue. Against my better judgement I made the trek up the stairs with these two mauling each other along the way. It was upon entering this overly nice condo, to which I have to say it might very well be the most underrated apartment in the town of Breckenridge above a pizza joint.
As we ventured into the kitchen/living room/third bedroom of this troll encampment I was greeted by a sight so unholy it can not be unseen. I have heard that the survivors of the nuclear blasts in Japans last vision is of the explosion, I feel their pain as this is was my ocular nuclear blast. There sat a land whale mauling some poor Norwegian. It was a scene from some National Geographic documentary where a cute creature of the sea is getting eaten. But next to that was what I thought might have been an extra from the Orc army in Lord of the Rings also molesting a stranger from a strange land. These two she beasts were surprised that their obvious leader had come home and not alone. At this point it was evident I would be high tailing it to the car as soon as an opportunity presented itself. Luckily I didn’t have to wait long as Jasper and this leader of the unholy creatures of the night went into her room.
Upon my escape and realizing I was safe in the car, I proceeded to send out a text saying pirate code was in full effect and this captain was leaving a man behind. Now normally that’s not proper ettiquete but these were extenuating circumstances. But the text back from Jasper was more humorous than alarming “What do you mean? What’s going on? Where am I?”, to which I simply responded, “See you tomorrow, wrap it before you tap it!”.
I fired the V8 in the shred-mobile up and headed back to safer grounds. This was when the night became legendary for Jasper and a story that few have heard but those that have know it is of epic legendary proportions. About 10 minutes into my drive I received a text saying “I’m scared!”. This was amusing but I ignored it and proceeded to the sanctuary of home. Five minutes after that text another appeared saying, “Dude seriously I’m scared come get, she’s insane.” I responded with the typical, “A good captain knows when to flee you’re on your own. Just wrap it up she’s had more cock in her than a hen house.” At this point all communications ceased and I realized I was locked out of the house only to spend the night in the car.
The following afternoon when I went to return the car to Jasper he recounted what happened after I left. He and this bent nosed make-up caked mountain town wookiee had a serious make out session culminating in her ripping her clothes off then running around the apartment jumping on her roommates and scaring the Norwegians. This ended with a fight in the kitchen and objects being tossed around for the better part of an hour. Jasper realizing she was insane proceeded to climb under a pile of laundry in the corner of the main area much like Luke Skywalker when fighting the Rancor and watch. As he lay there frozen in fear hiding more wild shit that should not be repeated on the Internet went down.
The next day when he climbed out of his cocoon of safety he realized he was going to be late to work. He somehow convinced this she beast to lend him her car and drove it to work, where in his slightly drunken stupor left the lights on. After work when he tried to drive off with her ghetto cruiser it wouldn’t start, so he left the keys in the ignition, texted her its location, and rode the bus home. It was upon getting home he vowed he would never doubt my judgement again nor would he be in contact with her. Unfortunately she had his number and awkward texts at 3 a.m. became the norm for a month after, with my personal favorite coming in on X mas eve where she said she just wanted to cuddle because she was lonely, horny, and had just gotten in a fight with her roommates. I envision it was another nude kitchen utensil fight, this image still haunts my dreams.
It was at this time on that eve of the birth of Christ that I coined the term Gnargoyle. Because gargoyles already had a bad rap and she was gnarly. To this day we still fear the return of the gnargoyle queen and her army of minions from the underworld of the ski town. So when you feel you want to use the term gnargoyle reflect on this article and its origins and make sure it is used appropriately.