The Hos Field

At the completion of our earlier work on the naturalistic underpinnings of the Pro Flow, it became necessary to introduce yet another explanatory factor responsible for the rare phenomenon we observe. Pros Flow in a wholly unique way, so uncharacteristic of either gapers or bros that it warrants further scientific inquiry. We know that Pro Flow is the only force capable of breaking up the Bro Flow, but we still haven’t answered the more fundamental question. Why do pros flow in the first place?

Hos appear to be the answer, but the mathematics of Hos and their motion is, as of yet, completely beyond our understanding. Many have postulated the existence of a separate “Ho Flow,” one that acts in accordance with the same laws that govern Bro Flow, Pro Flow, and Gaper Flow. Although each of these attempts has been made with the utmost sincerity and scientific rigor, they overlook all known observations made with regard to hos.


1.) Hos remain mostly stationary. Without an external force or a pimp hand slap, they will continue to occupy the same space indefinitely.

2.) Hos seem to be found everywhere we look for them. Either in different area codes or elsewhere, hos always come out of the woodwork in any given situation.

Combining these two laws together, one arrives at an inescapable conclusion. Hos simply aren’t the type of thing capable of flowing. For hos to flow, there would need to be a pimp hand slap so strong that it ruptures the very fabric of space-time itself, consuming all reality as we know it. A different mechanism must be responsible for the appearance of hos and their much more entangled counterpart, the pro-ho.

Picture 83

The Hos field, and the Hose mechanism, fill this explanatory void. It is accepted with near 100% certainty that hos exist in every area code, so it isn’t much more of a leap to presume that hos exist everywhere in the Universe. There is a Hose field permeating all of existence, mostly invisible to the naked eye, but capable of materializing into a ho at any given moment.

Under the right circumstances, large numbers of hos ought to materialize at once. When the Pro Flow breaks up the Bro Flow, it often causes a very strong disturbance in the Hos field. This disturbance, which shares many of the properties of a pimp hand slap, is capable of making hos materialize and interact with pros. In other words, hos are mostly a wave, but they take on the characteristics of particles when in the presence of Pro Flow.

The Hose mechanism not only explains why Pros Flow (to interact with hos), it is fundamental to our understanding of how hos acquire mass. For the longest time, it was presumed that some hos were simply more massive than others, but observation continues to place this widely accepted hypothesis into question. Hos seem to be getting more massive every time we measure them. If that is the case, our theory is incomplete, and we must look at alternate explanations.

The Hos mechanism provides a beautiful and elegant solution. Whenever there is a disturbance in the Hos field, a ho breaks off and races toward the Pro Flow. Super-symmetrical hos are immediately accepted, bonding into pro-hos. Meanwhile, the less symmetrical hos are reflected backward into the cosmos, stopping in their tracks. The sheer devastation from such a repulsive force is responsible for months of soul searching, Oprah watching, and chocolate eating. The ho acquires mass.

Massive hos eventually coalesce back into the Hose field, creating a temporary form of stable equilibrium. But it doesn’t last long. When the next disturbance occurs, the ho once again attempts to fuse with the pro. Oftentimes, the rejection is so strong that no tub of ice cream will ever fully feed the ho’s increasing appetite.

As a matter of fact, some scientists have even considered the existence of a special kind of “super massive black ho,” one that forms when several massive hos are dislodged from the Hos field and repelled at once. If such a ho exists, it would be capable of swallowing bros, gapers, and possibly even pros in its wake. At some point in the not-too-distant future, our technology should help us experimentally validate their existence.

At present, our theories remain to be tested. There are other unknown factors, strange quirks in the fabric of the Universe that can make it possible for some hos to lose mass while others gobble up every goddamn cookie and brownie in sight. A more accurate explanation will some day come to light, and when that happens, the frontier of science will be pushed forward into an increasingly exciting future.

Ted is a freelance snowboarding journalist living in Breckenridge, CO. His passions include going inverted twice in a row and landing on his back, saving babies from sinking battleships, and of course making apps for Iphones.

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  1. Professor Gnarshred says:

    Is it possible to conclude that much like in gaperian motion, this hos field exists in a dual state. For example, it may be that it is impossible to predict a ho’s mass and trajectory without observation. Is it possible that only when we attempt to observe a ho that they form this stationary field? This could explain why a ho which is not given any attention acts chaotically. They might approach the strange attractor that is the pro, however they fall into cycles around the pro, and never converge on the path of the pro itself.

  2. By observing a Ho, in theory, you not only allow a Ho to materialize as a particle from the Hos Field, but you also eliminate the evidence of the field itself, this has been proven by the “Dual Slut Experiment” which I first performed in the summer of ’09. To perform the experiment, I selected a region of a social environment known to be dense with Hos: CC’s in Breckenridge, CO (although CC’s is the known geographical and experimental pinnacle of Hos Field testing in America, Liquid lounge or any place with social nightlife especially the general California region could be an excellent location to recreate this experiment). To begin my experiment I aligned 3 Pros equidistantly across the bar at CC’s during peak Hos field sighting times (around 1:30 a.m. on a Saturday night). The Pros were instructed to order drinks for any Hos sighted in between themselves and the other 2 Pros, thus allowing only 2 openings for the Hos Field to reach its maximum potential energy state which can only happen in between two Pros experiencing a great deal of Flow.

    In the first stage of the experiment I only observed the outward interference patter of Hos Field which is the known and expected result of this arrangement. The interference pattern might look like a great deal of particles organizing into a striped pattern and acting chaotically much the same way my Colleague Professor Gnarshred describes above. This chaotic movement is more commonly known as “Gangnam Style”.

    For the second stage of the experiment I placed 3 GoPro camera’s on the Pros so that they would be capable of observing the interactions of the Pros with the Hos Field. The result of this was almost unbelievable; the moment the GoPros began recording, the interference pattern vanished and the particles immediately aligned into two lines in between the 3 Pros. It was amazing, simply by observing the interaction of the Pros with the Hos field I had inadvertently revealed a seemingly contradictory Nature in the Hos field. The Hos Field was no longer a field but an organized group of particles lining up for free drinks in between 2 Pros!

    When reviewing the GoPro footage I could see individual Hos particles walking up to Galldor, Kreiki and Borstein and getting free drinks. I was easily able to identify them as Hos particles because unlike any of the other particles at the bar, I was able actually see the Pros purchase the drink for them, something that cannot be seen by the naked eye across the nightclub. ***(the names of the individual Pros in this paragraph were changed to protect their identities, this is necessary to preserve the objectiveness of this experiment).***

    Now the fact that The Hos field can be observed as both a particle and a wave is very ground breaking but perhaps more intriguing is the fact that one can reveal the boundary between the two states simply by observing the individual interactions. This discovery can only mean one thing to this scientist and that is that if there is one truth in this universe its that all that exists can only exist because there is a conscious mind observing it. In other words; we are the universe and we, as human beings at least, are all connected through our consciousness and our awareness.

    In closing I would like to add that the result I have found here has not only changed my perspective on attracting Hos Particles, but Life itself.

  3. I find your argument compelling, Dr. Gnarshred. I believe your claim is bolstered by the clear and distinct observation that supermassive hos are almost never observed. Rather, they spend most of their time observing other supermassive hos like the Oprah Winfrions and Ricky Lachyons around which all hos seem to orbit.

  4. Esteemed Dr. Nye The Shred Guy,

    I am both riveted and exhilarated by you and your team’s groundbreaking “dual slut” experiment. The far reaching implications of the wave-particle duality inherent to the Hos field will not go unnoticed for long. Your team has no doubt captured the imagination of many young minds who wish only to recreate the same results your team has managed to consistently procure in such tightly controlled conditions.

    However, considering your undying commitment to the experimental validation of testable hypotheses, I find myself perplexed by your support of the strong anthropic principle. It seems so grotesquely uncharacteristic of such a brilliant experimental designer. I presumed you would have no interest in such things.

    Although it is true that an observer must be present in order for a science of the Hos field to be possible, the existence of the Hos field does not necessarily rest upon the existence of the observer. It is entirely possible, though outside the scope of scientific inquiry, for there to be a Hos field that materializes in the absence of an observer. We would have no way of experimentally validating such a thing, but that doesn’t rule it out entirely.

    Hos are necessary for the existence of observers in our universe; that much is true. They are the only known mechanism by which intelligence has been produced (although admittedly haphazardly). As such, we ought to expect to find ourselves in a universe where Hos are abundant. All other universes that lack Hos are universes that cannot be observed. By their nature, they are ruled out as possible places for knowledge of the Hos field to take hold.

    It could be that the multiverse is mostly prudish with small pockets, brothels if you will, where the Hos field dominates the scene. We would have no way of knowing such things, but that doesn’t seem to stop us from speculating.

    Allow me to present a hypothetical situation. Imagine a universe where the dual slut experiment is carried out by robots. The robots setup the cameras which then record the positions of the Hos as they materialize. None of the robots are “conscious,” but they are fully capable of running the experiment. Should we expect nature to act differently? Would the Hos field fail to materialize simply because the experimenter isn’t “conscious” ? Do the cameras suddenly “see” something different just because a flesh and blood human is no longer there to operate them?

    I believe your carefully collected data would suggest otherwise.

  5. Well put professor Ted, you have pointed out a very important piece of information which I forgot to mention about the experiment. I failed to explain how the individual Hos, Pros and other beings involved in the experiment were treated as particles and NOT conscious beings, This is not an assumption but it is actually the case in reality due to the results of my completely unrelated work in the field of Redbull-vodkatomic theory.

    I have proven that the effects of Alcoholic consumption by Pros and Hos can cause the consciousness to be altered in such a way that it no longer observes in the present but merely absorbs information only for processing the next day when the intoxication has subsided. All of my subjects from the “Dual Slut” experiment were in this altered state of consciousness, in which the particles in question appear as though they are in a normal state of “flimsy” consciousness without actually being conscious, The terms “blackout-drunk” or “white-girl wasted” are the lay-man’s way of referring to this condition. This also could be the reason why there is so much Pro-Ho-Flow; this state has returned these particles to their more basic of traits i.e. they tend to attempt to mate with each other in inappropriate public locations such as CC’s bathroom, but that is just a theory at the moment.

    I would also like to mention that your proposed robot experiment reminded me of my previous findings in the “Brain in the Ho’s-Box” thought experiment, You might recognize that any and all beings who imitate consciousness (even that of Hos and Robots) could be considered conscious as long as there is no discernible difference in how they act. So super intelligent “machines” could discover the true nature of the Hos Field so long as they are self aware and carry out the procedure as dictated above. An outside observer might call that a RoBo-ProHo-Flow-GoPro experiment.

    your move…

    – Bill

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