The Hos Field
At the completion of our earlier work on the naturalistic underpinnings of the Pro Flow, it became necessary to introduce yet another explanatory factor responsible for the rare phenomenon we observe. Pros Flow in a wholly unique way, so uncharacteristic of either gapers or bros that it warrants further scientiﬁc inquiry. We know that Pro Flow is the only force capable of breaking up the Bro Flow, but we still haven’t answered the more fundamental question. Why do pros ﬂow in the ﬁrst place?
Hos appear to be the answer, but the mathematics of Hos and their motion is, as of yet, completely beyond our understanding. Many have postulated the existence of a separate “Ho Flow,” one that acts in accordance with the same laws that govern Bro Flow, Pro Flow, and Gaper Flow. Although each of these attempts has been made with the utmost sincerity and scientiﬁc rigor, they overlook all known observations made with regard to hos.
1.) Hos remain mostly stationary. Without an external force or a pimp hand slap, they will continue to occupy the same space indefinitely.
2.) Hos seem to be found everywhere we look for them. Either in different area codes or elsewhere, hos always come out of the woodwork in any given situation.
Combining these two laws together, one arrives at an inescapable conclusion. Hos simply aren’t the type of thing capable of ﬂowing. For hos to ﬂow, there would need to be a pimp hand slap so strong that it ruptures the very fabric of space-time itself, consuming all reality as we know it. A different mechanism must be responsible for the appearance of hos and their much more entangled counterpart, the pro-ho.
The Hos ﬁeld, and the Hose mechanism, ﬁll this explanatory void. It is accepted with near 100% certainty that hos exist in every area code, so it isn’t much more of a leap to presume that hos exist everywhere in the Universe. There is a Hose ﬁeld permeating all of existence, mostly invisible to the naked eye, but capable of materializing into a ho at any given moment.
Under the right circumstances, large numbers of hos ought to materialize at once. When the Pro Flow breaks up the Bro Flow, it often causes a very strong disturbance in the Hos ﬁeld. This disturbance, which shares many of the properties of a pimp hand slap, is capable of making hos materialize and interact with pros. In other words, hos are mostly a wave, but they take on the characteristics of particles when in the presence of Pro Flow.
The Hose mechanism not only explains why Pros Flow (to interact with hos), it is fundamental to our understanding of how hos acquire mass. For the longest time, it was presumed that some hos were simply more massive than others, but observation continues to place this widely accepted hypothesis into question. Hos seem to be getting more massive every time we measure them. If that is the case, our theory is incomplete, and we must look at alternate explanations.
The Hos mechanism provides a beautiful and elegant solution. Whenever there is a disturbance in the Hos ﬁeld, a ho breaks off and races toward the Pro Flow. Super-symmetrical hos are immediately accepted, bonding into pro-hos. Meanwhile, the less symmetrical hos are reﬂected backward into the cosmos, stopping in their tracks. The sheer devastation from such a repulsive force is responsible for months of soul searching, Oprah watching, and chocolate eating. The ho acquires mass.
Massive hos eventually coalesce back into the Hose ﬁeld, creating a temporary form of stable equilibrium. But it doesn’t last long. When the next disturbance occurs, the ho once again attempts to fuse with the pro. Oftentimes, the rejection is so strong that no tub of ice cream will ever fully feed the ho’s increasing appetite.
As a matter of fact, some scientists have even considered the existence of a special kind of “super massive black ho,” one that forms when several massive hos are dislodged from the Hos ﬁeld and repelled at once. If such a ho exists, it would be capable of swallowing bros, gapers, and possibly even pros in its wake. At some point in the not-too-distant future, our technology should help us experimentally validate their existence.
At present, our theories remain to be tested. There are other unknown factors, strange quirks in the fabric of the Universe that can make it possible for some hos to lose mass while others gobble up every goddamn cookie and brownie in sight. A more accurate explanation will some day come to light, and when that happens, the frontier of science will be pushed forward into an increasingly exciting future.