Snowboarding Brakes

Snowboarding is not skiing, it never will be thank god. As much as certain powers in the world of corporate competitions try it just won’t happen. With that in mind skis need brakes, snowboards do not. Sure back in the day there might have been claims that we needed one, but these days it’s pretty damn obvious it’s just an absurd thought from the past. Or is it?

Have you ever just said to yourself, “damn I wish I had a parking brake on this thing” just so you could leave your board with the bindings facing up? Oh shit you have? Well then you’re in luck my friend as someone has invented just that.

Yes that’s right that horribly huge attachment is a fucking parking brake. Seriously it does exist and can be bought here (editors note first photo at the link is possibly the greatest tuck knee ever done in the existence of snowboarding). Now how many people have bore witness to a snowboard flying down the mountain at mach 10 speeds? I’ve seen a few on rare occasions but most people have enough common sense these days to realize smooth flat plastic board with no one attached will go down hill due to that pesky gravity thing.

But for those that can’t grasp this rudimentary concept we have this invention. Yes you see in Australia this problem is so prevalent it warrants this and has even been endorsed by Threadbo’s ski patrol manager. Now here in the states we’d just horribly mock the person with it and probably point out that they’re too stupid to turn the fucking snowboard upside down. But hey that’s just us, we’re a bit more real in what warrants true function on the slopes.

Does one really need something that’s going to add more weight to the board and be a spring loaded death mechanism? Well I guess if you were trapped in the back country and were able to catch a squirrel you could use it to cut the head off the little varmint. Or maybe it’s for performing self circumcisions cause you know gotta keep things crisp out there. Seriously look at this conceptual picture of it.

Its even called the powder axe. Strangely if I were to cut any powder it would probably be with a razor blade but think of all the new lines you could get with this sucker. Maybe it’ll actually come in handy if you’re out there lumber jacking and trying to make some new jibs.

Now lets thing about this thing logically it’s a spring loaded mechanism that stops the board from moving or at least slows it down enough so it’s not a super danger to people on the slopes. OK it’s not really that bad a concept like say a binding with suspension but still did they not think this thing out? So now you have more weight on one edge, it slightly hangs over on that edge, and its spring loaded. So not only is there potential for excessive toe catching but if that spring has a misfire you’re fucked.

This ranks right up there with the strap pad as something only those that don’t get it would buy. So anyone here stupid enough to need one of these cause they can’t flip their board over?

16 Comments

  1. nvansluy says:

    Snowboarding is about innovation and pushing boundaries.
    While innovative, this is simply an attempted money grab from stupid newbies.
    Nice review Angry.

  2. doug says:

    yea this wont make anybody snowboard better or safer, fail. Lots of things I’ve seen in the past that I even thought were neat didn’t succeed simply because they dont really aid in pushing the boundaries of snowboarding, like different attempts at devices to aid in strapping bindings down.

    Back to that tuck knee. That’s insane, modern boots do not allow for this type of tweakage, has to be an old photo. And what does a brake on your board have to do with such a sick maneuver? Jeff Brushie would be proud of that shot, as many other early 90’s freestylers would

  3. Tristan says:

    Yay, I found this useless piece.

    And in Australia if we saw someone actually stupid enough to buy one of these, we would mock them as well. Any ski instructor from Thredbo who is endorsing this thing should be ashamed!

  4. Draizuh says:

    Good thing about snow in Australia is that there is so little the lack of snow will just slow it down.

  5. [...] in that. For the two or three of you who own a snowboard they might want one of those fancy snowboard brakes! The Smith team shred Val Senales. And here’s a link to the late Jeff Anderson in Back in [...]

  6. jess says:

    looks like another sorry excuse of an idea to make money. and as sad as it sounds, im sure i will see people on the mountain with it this season. newbs who want every unnecessary accessory on the market. boooo!

  7. BIGBROTHERSWATCHIN says:

    I protest the resort’s here in the states that are requiring a leash to ride a lift…

    This brake thing is pure malarchy. When I am required to use a leash, I just tie an old boot-lace to my binding anyway.

    The only runaway boards I have ever seen, is when people (read- teens) lose them while trying to strap in at the top of a hill. You never lose a board after it’s on!?

  8. What your bindings don’t have preattached leashes? I have a toe leash and a heel leash on each foot.

  9. [...] This idea is just further proof that people are desperate to get into snowboarding without actually researching what they’re getting into. They created a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist. Add to that what the fuck do you do with the snow now that you’re ejected? Slap a leash on it and have it tug on your leg causing injury? Use that shitty idea that was The Snowboard Brake? [...]

  10. dk says:

    i think the people posting here are missing the fact that the product was designed for use by ski patrol to stop their boards being knocked off their bindings & totaly f’ing the rescue they are doing !
    It was not designed for all to use , mainly ski patrol & helli boarding ( costs $2000 to retreive a board that was blown over by helli ground wash 1 )
    as for new to the sport lol thats me doing the tuckknee air breck pipe 1989 what were you doing in 89 or wern’t you born yet

  11. I was probably doing tuck knees on the side of a hill in NY in 89 or maybe trying lawn dart backflips at my brothers request. Damn you dug up an ancient article.

  12. [...] mocked snowboard brakes before and it seemed some people were upset about it. Evidently the concept of edge control was lost on [...]

  13. […] called they want their bad idea back. Snowboarding Brakes – __________________ Angry Snowboarder Because someone has to call it how they see […]

Leave a Comment