There was a point once that snowboarding was considered a fad passing in the night. The same was said about freeskiing and the twin tip ski revolution. Look at both of these different activities, they’re fully immersed into the mainstreams of winter culture and don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. For having this mainstream success there’s the lesser acknowledged off shoots that have ridden their coattails.
On the ski side of things they have the often mocked Ski Blades or if you have ever dealt with the Revel 8 pro team then they should be called Ski Boards. Lets be honest here no matter how you try to spice it up they’re still lame under any name. The best quote ever spoken about these to ever grace my presence, “We’re not skiing we’re our own thing that’s far better.” Yes, they went there.
With snowboarding we get Dual Snowboards or as they should be called sideways ski blading. But to quote one of their mentally challenged inspirational models at Dew Tour, “We’re not taking anything away from snowboarding in fact we’re a completely different sport”. Yes because having the name snowboard in there makes you completely different and individual. Oh wait you have an extra chromosome and the mental capacity of a sea sponge so we should probably dis-acknowledge that statement.
Now that we’ve established that these sports are highly individualistic lets delve deeper into which one sucks more.
In the first round of this battle of two featherweight titans of snow sliding we have to look at recognition in the mainstream. Because as anyone knows if the mainstream even knows about them then that makes you ten times more likely for success. It’s true that Ski Blading used to be in the X-Games. Now that just proves that it had mainstream success yet in just three short seasons it tapered off and was removed from the competition. You know what else was removed from X-Games and very similar? Rollerblading! Notice the similarities of how these two different sports suck? Here watch this.
Judgement Round 1: Goes to Ski Blading solely for being the fruit boots of snow sports and being relevant enough to be recognized by the X-Games and to be fully pulled from the venue. Thank you for the laughs. Alas we could probably hope for Dual Snowboard Big Air but I doubt Aspen knows how to build a 10 foot jump for those things.
Round 2 lets look at which one is more detrimental to your bodies health.
In the beginning ski blades had non releasable bindings. This caused such injuries as ski blader ankle or as the medical field would refer to it compound fractures of the tib and fib. Hell yeah I want to get me some spiral fractures for getting radical. But alas as things progressed they discovered that being progressive with the release system would save the sport so they went to standard ski bindings.
Now Dual Snowboards on the other hand uses snowboard bindings and boots. The comfort factor of the boots alone instead of being locked into thousand dollar pieces of restrictive plastic could win this round for them. Although you have to look at how you ride these things, standing sideways with independent leg control doesn’t seem good. How does your groin feel after you perform a split on a green run? Probably not too well.
Judgement Round 2: It’s a draw as both of these things just scream instant death in various ways to people. After all who wants microscopic surface area when gliding across snow.
Round 3 lets talk about all mountain versatility.
Ski blades can actually carve to an extent even if they don’t have enough surface area to keep you stable. Dual snowboards just sort of glide and have no use of an edge. This makes Ski Blades a little more versatile except when removing them you have to walk in ski boots, Dual Snowboards you just walk on the boards themselves because it’s a lazy man sport and no one should bother to talk them off. Yay for walking through piss covered bathroom floors in your hard goods.
Then we have to look at riding powder. Both of these things just completely fail and there’s no reason to ever ride the white fluffy stuff in these. Sure you could get some Powder Ski Blades but that’s the equivalent of cross-country rollerblading. Sure it’s a little bit bigger but it still looks retarded.
Dual Snowboards in pow? More like slow shoes, be prepared for plenty of post holing. Then again you could just walk off into the pow getting stuck causing you to die a slow painful death and amusement to the rest of us that couldn’t believe you were dumb enough to ride these things. I opt for this as it would give us more content for the site.
Round 3 Judgement: Draw they’re both worthless other than for sheer novelty factor and the only acceptable day to ride these is gaper day.
Round 4 will be a test to the varying cultures behind these two phenomenon.
Here we have native pro ski boarders (yes boarders not bladers they take offense to this) encroaching on the native habitat of socially accepted skiers and snowboarders.
How on earth is it acceptable to wear a fishing hat under a helmet in skinny jeans tucked into boots? It’s not that should only as previously mentioned be suited for gaper day attire.
Alas here’s another photo of these clowns at the top of Breckenridges Park Lane.
A little more in tune with skier fashion although why do they roll up their pants? Is it to show how comfortable they are with their tiny little skis that they don’t need to compensate for something else?
Now here we have a dual snowboarder in the wild.
Look at how he’s all Cripe Walking up on that box. He must think he’s in the club. But at least he looks like any other kid from SoCal and if we photoshopped a snowboard onto him he might even pass for a snowboarder.
Round 4 Judgement: Dual snowboarders can hypothetically blend in with surrounding snowboarders and not stick out like a sore thumb. Ski Bladers not so much. This round goes to the Dual Snowboarders.
In conclusion after a four round battle it has come to my attention that both of these fringe sports that cling to the taint of snow sports like a case of genital warts both suck. In fact to actually take either as serious would denote that you hate all things snow sports related and are hence forth a snow sports terrorist on a jibbing jihad against normalcy. Please if you do interact with any of these in the wilds be prepared to put them out of their misery by pointing and laughing while saying statements like, “are those things for real” and “you can’t be serious”. Or if you must go for the finishing move fatality point at them and say, “How cute your mom washed your gear and it shrank”. This will infuriate them and hopefully shame them into doing something more respectable.