In the previous installment of Life of the Snow Carny we prepared you for the onslaught of pro hos and the tactics they utilize to get free product and steal your soul. Well there’s a male counterpart to the ho and that’s the bro. You’ve probably seen them trailing behind some rider that actually has talent or at the bar giving endless man embraces and props to someone of fine upstanding moral fiber.
The pro bro exists solely to stroke egos and live off the castoffs of people that have a life they could only dream of. They usually start out with good intentions of moving to the mountains to go pro or at least venture down the road less traveled, but somewhere down the line they discover that they’re just another guppy in the ocean and not the killer whale that their gold fish pond sized environment lead them to believe. It’s a harsh reality when you realize you’re just not special!
This is when they try to attach themselves to people that are way better than them, whether it’s as a rider or just in the fine art of resort town life. Here’s a few signs there’s a bro lurking about:
- Out dated fashion styles
- Using phrases that everyone else gave up on a few seasons back
- Undying support for Burton or Technine
- Always at the front of the crowd during a product toss at a movie premiere
- Knows all about the town and the people that live there after moving to said location 2 weeks earlier
- Wants your autograph
- Name drops that he knows you to everyone
- Wears tall tees
- Constantly references one of the big magazines like Transworld, Snowboarder, or Snowboard Mag
- Too much hair product
Now I know you’re thinking to yourself there’s no reason to keep these guys around you. But alas there is, someone needs to have that friend to run point when you’re out on The Great Gnargoyle Hunt or if one of these said Gnargoyles is tracking you like Predator. These guys are great for throwing on grenades and you don’t feel bad when he mounts up the harpoon for whaling Wednesday. Besides every ski town needs that guy that’s notorious for doing the walk of shame, it’s how legends are born!
Another useful skill they possess is their inability to comprehend backcountry safety. “Oh that cornice looks stable can you go out and jump on it” bam one less bro and now you don’t have to fear that cornice breaking off and landing on you. Don’t worry about the body recovery bro’s have an uncanny ability to survive being buried till the spring thaw when they move home. Look at it as your way of helping to control the bro population.
Now if you’re like myself and hate bro’s just use this phrase and see if they catch on, “Don’t bro me if you don’t know me”. If they can’t comprehend that then I suggest using mace.