It’s that time of the year again where the old and geriatric migrate south and the young and vibrant flock to the mountains. Yes, I’m talking about the annual migration of the snow carny. Now as ski towns world wide prepare for this invasion of uncouth individuals that will operate their resorts chairlifts and cafeterias all for the love of shredding another unsavory character will descend on the masses, the pro ho.
Pro ho’s are somewhat essential to any mountain town snowboard scene as men have needs and these creatures fulfill them. For as long as there’s been snowboard super stars or even regional hero’s there’s been the succubus of success clinging to them in some vain attempt to have their needs fulfilled while riding the coat tails.
Having been a spectator and sometimes even the target of these Tundra Wookiees obsession it’s been fairly easy to see which tactics work t and which ones are better left to be utilized on the fresh off the boat crowd.
My personal favorite tactic of choice is when one of these lonesome creatures of the night sets her vodka and Redbull infused retinal scanners on maul then wallows her way across the bar at you. From there it’s onto the topic of how awesome it is to have a BAC higher than that of their GPA in high school. Why yes randomly strange girl that I’ve never met who has decided that because I look to fill the part of someone of importance in the hierarchy of mountain life I want to hear how you were so drunk you fell off a rock, slammed your head into a sign post, and now have 14 stitches in your head. Then after regaling me with tales of your mighty tribulations which can at best be counted as first world problems it is perfectly normal to then say you know what I do and ask me for a new snowboard or something else that you need. Yes, I fully understand that the odds in a ski town are somewhere bordering on 25 to 1 fully in your favor so I should be honored that you even took the time to talk to me. But alas as I view your mental capacity to be the equivalent of a piece of gum stuck to a cigarette on the bottom of your hooker boots you’re already doomed to failure not to mention your lack of foresight to properly figure out a plan on how to get your long term goal of free product. You my Bargoyle friend of the evening are the lowest form of pro ho even if you were mildly entertaining.
Now as this is more about the technique of pro hoing and less about the creatures that do it here’s a list of ways that any of you lower life forms that partake in this activity can achieve your goals. Yes, for the first time on the Internet the inner secrets are being given away.
- Alcohol should be used in moderation on yourself for every drink you buy, make sure your target has at least no less than 3. This will keep your wits about you and make it far easier to get them to promise things to you.
- Drug use is bad or at least that’s what I think I’m obligated to say here, but roofieing all the girls at the bar so you’re the only coherent looking one at last call is totally cool. Besides it’s not rape it’s just a struggle snuggle! Don’t roofie a guy unless you slip him Viagara as well, otherwise you’re not going to get full mast if you know what I mean.
- Under no circumstances if you can’t ride the park should you ever enter it. Standing on landings hoping your beautiful beau will fall to his untimely demise and allow you to be his saving grace is frowned upon. Plus you become that annoying target we all shoot for.
- Checking the Ramen aisle at the store is a great way to pick up a guy that’s poor even though he’s “sponsored”, cook that little guy a meal. *hint* Just get prepacked food from the frozen food section, they won’t know the difference.
- Bring food to your local shop they work hard, know the heavy hitters, and will think higher of you when speaking to their sponsored friends. Plus the guys working there also have industry connections.
- Putting out on the first night might get you a t-shirt or some stickers but if you’re after some prize bounty you’ll want to make sure you only put out once a fortnight. This makes the guy feel you earned and aren’t just there for free stuff.
- The singles line is your friend, if a group of guys asks if you’re single say yes, then inform them that you’re also riding alone. This breaks the ice and you’ll even get a nice 5 to 15 minute ride to talk to them and find out who they ride for, when they get their packages, and if they’re single.
- Like the saying goes you didn’t lose your girlfriend you lost your turn, don’t ever under any circumstance in your conquest to live the good life let a man claim you with the title of girlfriend. This is the death of the gravy train when chasing after multiple boys, instead just say you like hanging out with different guys to weigh your options.
I’m sure there’s more ways to properly chase after the gravy train fueled by shred stardom, but these are the tactics you need for longevity. Tune in next time when we discuss the finer points of being a pro bro and what you can get from that lifestyle choice.