Have you ever found yourself saying I can do that? Then you actually went and did it? Yeah you probably have it’s something anyone with ambition does in their quest for achievement. You know who else has said that? People that want to start a snowboard company. In fact you’ve probably even thought to yourself I can do that too! Well you should be stoked because now I’m going to break it down for you on the secret on how to run an unsuccessful snowboard company that will probably put you in debt and make others laugh at you.
Step 1: Find a name.
Obviously before you do anything like make a business plan, find investors, raise capital, do research and design, or set up manufacturing you need to have a name. It must instill faith in your product to the consumer and have them chanting your mantra of awesomeness (See step 2) as loud as they can. I suggest going with the name MAYBE as we already have a Yes and Nope. That way all bases are covered! Plus when you start to inevitably fail people will say, “MAYBE they will be in business” or “MAYBE they will warranty your board”. I’m sure there’s other catch phrases you could use with this.
Step 2: What the fuck are you about?
Remember in this world things like ‘putting the fun back in snowboarding’ and ‘by riders for riders’ are still perfectly acceptable. In fact if you can some how repackage those played out pitches the better. Just make sure that you do it in a way to instigate some sort of punk ethos or in this day and age pander to the 99%ers that are off occupying port-a-potties on Wall Street. After all they love causes! If you’re really bold though maybe talk about some social cause like saving Unicorn habitats or giving insulin to fat Americans. Seems social causes are what snowboard companies should be activists about. Under no circumstances are you to bring attention to actual plights that people might investigate, after all this is merely for tax breaks.
Step 3: Pick your team.
You’re new and ambitious and looking to have a name make your brands. What better way to assert yourself then to find some pro that’s past their prime. Make sure they sign something like a 7 year contract which would pay them more than they made from all their contest winnings, incentives, and other contracts when they were at their peak. That way you own their soul! If you can’t find a past their prime pro I suggest checking your local contractor listings cause chances are they’re now swinging a hammer. If that still doesn’t work then snag a kid that was in a friends section of a mainstream snowboard movie but hasn’t had exposure in no less than 5 years. That way he’s slightly still relevant but not so much that people actually recognize him. You can also market him as if he’s staging some super comeback. Make sure he dominates local rail jams and contests that no real self respecting pro rider would ever do. If those options don’t work watch Youtube and Vimeo you’ll find a plethora of talent who can shred their backyard jib set up. This is the cheapest option as kids love stickers and free shit. Also you probably need a token girl on the team just find one that has really good photo-shopped pictures on her Facebook and likes to tweet dumb shit. Guys will eat this up and no one will question why they’ve never seen her ride.
Step 4: Conning your friends and family.
The economy is shot and lets be honest your credit score was only mildly higher than your SATs. This means you have to get creative with funding. Friends and family are great they want you to succeed, this means you should spend more time on getting their money than you put into the name, finding riders, and figuring out how you were going to pitch your company to the public. Elderly relatives are the best though, they’ve seen it all and as a bonus have one foot in the grave. Just don’t use bright flashes and loud music in your presentation to them since you need them to live long enough to cut you a check. Don’t forget to sell ownership percentages in the brand that has worked well in the past, think Grenade! All your friends will jump at the chance to own a legitimate snowboard brand. If your friends and family have disowned you by this point there’s one final option and it’s worked for other companies in the past. Sell drugs, sure slinging weed is easy and most of the time your customers smoke up with you but it’s just not as lucrative. That’s why we recommend slinging meth not only is it a guaranteed addiction you’ll also meet some real characters.
Step 5: Research, design, and manufacturing.
This is the 21st century we have Google for all the research you need. Just search out OEM snowboard manufacturers and pick the first one. Under no circumstances are you to ever actually invest any money into true R&D that’s just a waste of resources and will severely cut into your companies bar tab at the annual function you host at the local watering hole. In fact if anyone gives you advice on how to better your stuff tell them to fuck off because obviously they are inferior to you as they don’t own a snowboard company. Also make sure you let the factory handle all design specs and just tell them you will repackage this into your own marketing. If you’re not doing snowboards and it’s something like beanies or t-shirts well just push out some crappy designs and have the local Jock Shop make them for you. Be sure to sell them for more than the cost of anything at your local Zumiez, after all you’re core!
Step 6: You’ve finally made it
Fuck all the haters you’ve finally made it and are legit. You have a Facebook page that has at least 175 followers and you even have some hot sluts following you on Twitter now. So why don’t you relax and go snowboarding since you’ve worked hard to make this money to fuel your shred habit.