Snowboarding is fucking sweet. Think about it. You are riding down a mountain in nature with a friend or 2 not thinking about all the bullshit that is in the world. Some of us are gifted to live in such a part of the world where we don’t have to worry about land mines, polio, giant spiders that can lay eggs in your brain, and people that want to blow you up. Snowboarding is gravy on the cake (mmmm gravy cake). That being said I have been hearing some wacky shit come out of peoples mouths turning the winter wonderland into a bummer summer. Upon thinking about why these weekend warriors are so fucking pissed off about everything I have compiled a list of stages riders go through to get to where they mature into douche bag hood.
Stage 1: Getting stoked on very little.
Think about your first couple days on a snowboard. Being soaked from head to toe, rental boards, shitty bindings that like to do random 180’s, jeans on jeans, shitty lodge hamburgers, skating rink conditions was the norm but man you were just stoked to get out there. You don’t even understand what a pow days is yet and you get stoked when you make it down the mountain without falling. You go out 1 or 2 times a year. Life is good the stoke is high.
Stoke Index 8
Stage 2: Getting cooler
You age, you get a couple more seasons under your belt, you get better at riding, you get proper gear, Mom and Dad realize how shitty their parenting was in the early stages of your life so they are driving you and your friends to the mountain, buying you food, and all that shit. Being at the age in your snowboard career where you care about your looks, whether or not you bail, and picking up chicks/dudes. Life is easy just keep it steezy.
Stoke Index 7
You are out of school, you got a job, you are living a normal life like your parents, society and Jesus wanted you to. You have legitimate responsibilities, bills to pay, people to please, all that bull shit. You get out on the weekends and ride your brains out. The thoughts of shredding on Saturdays and Sundays just make life worth living. That being said you do take your phone to the mountain with you (asshole), sometimes stress about those child support payments that are bleeding out your bank account, and get mildly pissed about people touching your ride in line. You have to deal with the traffic driving to the mountain and going back to your urban life. Fuck it I guess you could get drunk on Saturday night and just do a few laps Sunday…
Stoke Index 5
For the others they have decided to get rid of what the world wants them to do and move to a resort with the sole purpose to shred day in and day out. Life is good. You are living the dream that people pay so much for. You are out there everyday doing it because it gets you stoked! You think tourists are funny and often chat them up on the chairlift. “Where are you from?” “I will show you some cool runs” “That is alright to smash the bar into my head.”
Stoke Index 8
Stage 4A: Douche Bag Weekend Asshole
You are just an asshole that snowboards/skies by force of habit because you’ve been riding for years. You complain that it’s to icy, the visibility is shit, everything is tracked out, the lips are too poppy, the rails are too sticky, your wax is shit, you need new bindings, board, jacket, pants, underwear, the chairlifts are too old, there are too many people in the lift lines, and blah blah blah I am an asshole. You have a high stress job and you take 2 to 3 weeks vacations from your shitty life, with your shitty douche bag kids and shitty urban house wife/husband to make the mountains toxic with anti-stoke sayings and downer vibes. You often get aggressive in the lift lines with people hitting your gear, often talk on your cell phone in the gondola, spend way too much money at the bar, and tell people about how you vacation at Whistler/Vail 2 years ago was better than this day at _____ mountain. Fucking asshole.
Stoke Index 3
Stage 4B: Douche Bag Local Asshole
You live in the mountains and get out to the mountain pretty much daily. You have seen 50cm pow days, epic blue bird days, small lift lines and the evolution of gear. All of this has gone to your head and you tend to live in the past or the future. “I had a better day yesterday/last week/month/year” “There is a storm coming in on Friday” You get pissed by: lift lines, vacationers from the city, mountain staff, ski patrol, patches of ice, weekends, long weekends, low visibility, high freezing levels, high winds, high avalanche ratings, high dudes in line, and high fives. If you bail it ruins your day and you scream really loud so people know that you don’t usually do that. You go bat shit crazy when people drop the bar on your head, you are a glass box of emotions. Your years of 100+ days on the mountain have gone right to your head and you are a officially a Douche Bag local asshole.
Stoke Index 5
Stage 5: Just stoked
Some people do graduate from the Douche Bag Club and grow on to be nice people that get stoked on just about anything. It is few and far between. These people keep a low profile and can be heard yelling through the trees on a pow day and high fiving randoms in a lift line. They don’t give a fuck they are just stoked.
Stoke Factor Index 10
In conclusion ask yourself 2 things when you are snowboarding or talking about snowboarding. Do you start your answer about how your day was with 2 negatives or get pissed to see other people stoked and having a way better time than you? If you do than re-evaluate your life and quit fucking around on a snowboard. Do us all a favor and just fuck off. If you have the the urge to bitch about snowboarding do it in the comfort of your home and away from the mountain. No one is listening asshole.