Cross Country Snowboarding For The Lazy
Snowboardings a physically demanding activity when you think about it. You’re skating around with one foot strapped in, then forcing your bodies muscles to drive a plank down a semi steep pitch of snow at rapid speeds, and if you’re doing freestyle well then you can just count on more muscles being used to fling your carcass off a death jump or onto a rail. Perhaps this is why you rarely ever see a fat professional snowboarder or even an out of shape snowboard bum.
Now we all know that fat people (yes you are fat it’s not a disease you’re just fucking fat) hate doing any form of physical activity you have to wonder what they’re thinking when they actually go to a resort to learn snowboarding. It’s always something I’ve questioned when I see a 300lb Walrus standing at the top of a run legs locked and doing the falling leaf of doom. But alas as Americans always find a way to do something easier we’ve now invented a way for the morbidly obese and vertically challenged to partake in snowboarding.
Enter Jimmy D’z Powered Snowboards a gas powered snowboard that will let anyone ride it. Think of skating as a thing of the past with this gas powered behemoth. Pull start it up and you’re ready to rock and roll. There is a Youtube video but surprise surprise embedding has been disabled along with comments? That’s a surefire sign this thing has already been mocked.
But fear not readers as Jimmy D is not to be out done some other rednecks have built the Snowmoboard. It’s the same concept as Jimmy’s but I doubt they hold the patent on it like he does. They truly will give a patent away for anything, maybe I should patent stupidity so I can charge people a royalty every time they’re found dumb.
The Euro’s not to be forgotten have their own take on it. I view this as nothing more than a powered monoski cause they sure love their monoskis over there in Euroland.
Oh you think it ends there? Nope even cross country skiing has a version called the Skizee because you know skiing across the wilderness is too hard why shouldn’t you just be pushed around?
I don’t know about you guys but I’d like to think that if I was going to strap a motor to something to get around in the snow I’d probably just ride a snowmobile. It’s a bit more proven and worthy of rooping through snow dunes. Plus you wouldn’t look like as much of an idiot with a lawnmower engine strapped to your snowboard.
Now I’m sure there’s probably some parent somewhere saying but are these things safe? Well relax Jimmy D outlined some strict warnings that everyone should follow.
do not exceed 30 degree incline Or you will spontaneously combust and die? Come on push it to the max!
do not take over frozen lakes Or maybe you should to end your life for riding this pile of crap.
do not operate while intoxicated I think you’d have to be intoxicated to want to ride this.
do not operate on roadways What you can’t play chicken?
do not modify Oh no they might find a way around your patent!
helmet and safety gear recommended Shouldn’t a strong mental capacity be more important?
Now don’t you feel better that there’s these warnings for this Mad Max arctic tundra creation? But the real question is can you get a D.W.I. with this thing?
You know Jeremy Jones (big mountain) is a pussy doing all that splitboarding to get to these hard to reach areas. A real man would just invent something that guzzles gas, creates noise pollution, and generally isn’t healthy for the environment to get around the backcountry. Think about where he could have gone with this thing, probably tamed the wilds of Kansas!
But on a more serious note would you really spend money to ride something that claims it works best in 6 plus inches of powder or would you rather enjoy the hike to get to untouched tracks and ride a quiet shred sled back down? As much as it’s a novelty it just doesn’t seem to make an practical sense for any use anywhere.