With weather changing and snow starting to fly at higher elevations it’s almost time for the yearly migration of the snow carny. Yes like birds flying south for the winter these fine folks and I use that term loosely flock to mountain towns world wide in pursuit of that endless powder dream. Most arrive without a place to stay and thus couch crashing season begins. For those of us that have made the pilgrimage before we host the burden of these couch dwelling snowboard bums. But before you let someone in on your couch be forewarned there are all types of sofa living critters you’ll encounter when you open your home to them.
First and foremost is the Ghost Couch Crasher. This guy lurks in the shadows and you honestly have no clue if he’s there or not. More quiet than a mouse in a church this dude is gone before you wake up and asleep before you stumble back from the bar. Your food supplies will never dwindle as he’s only there to sleep, shower, and shit. Honestly you’ll be able to go about your life as if no one is staying at your house.
Next up is the Phantom Couch Crasher. A close cousin of the Ghost this one you’ll never see as well, but you will notice things being slightly off in your domicile. TVs being left on, random lights that aren’t off, and a diminishing food supply. For some reason the Phantom hasn’t taken cues from the Ghost about not fucking with the hosts shit.
Everyone should be familiar with The Lush. This is the guy that thinks your house is his personal wine/booze cellar. All booze in the house will be gone in record time and any that is bought to replace it will end up being recycled into your toilet later that day. This guy hasn’t come to terms with the whole moderation is key thing. He’s also a slight slob but for the most part he’s too busy passing out instead of making a mess.
Not to be confused with The Lush is The Vampire. She only comes out at night, regardless of how much she tells you that she was up riding today. Her skin is whiter than pure driven snow and she’s asleep on the couch when you wake up for the morning and hasn’t left the couch when you return in the evening. As it nears dusk you’ll see signs of life as she slowly emerges from her slumber. When she’s out on the town she sends it harder than anyone who could possibly be a human does, only to return before sunrise and enter her daily trance.
All too common in resort towns is The Stoney Bro. He makes your apartment look like you’re front row at a Greatful Dead concert. Any sort of easy to prepare food, snack, or edible will be devoured. Your furniture will have that odiferous funk for the Mary Jane. Cleaning is the least of his priorities but being a stoned out of his mind you’re mainly dealing with dirty dishes and some Little Debbie wrappers thrown around the living room for good measure.
My personal favorite couch crasher is the Doe Eyed Freshman. He’s fresh off into the real world and has no clue what he’s about to get himself into by coming to a resort town. He’ll ask you stupid questions and make blanket dumb ass remarks. No matter what you tell him he’ll believe that working for the mountain means he’ll get more days than you, regardless of how many seasons you have under your belt. The idea of first, last, and a security deposit blow his mind when trying to find a place and chances are you’ll be stuck with this mentally incapacitated burden for up to half the season till he either burns out or finds some poor resort girl to leech off of.
At the bowels of the couch surfing echelon is The Rat. There’s no other way to describe this character other than being a fucking rat in every sense of the word. He’ll survive by digging through couch cushions looking for change to take to the local coinstar, eats your foot and just shoves it back in the fridge with his teeth marks on it, and will be a fucking mess regardless of how little he truly is there. He’s the scourge of your couch and living room, no matter what you do he’ll still show up and go so far as to break in to be at your place.
Sure there are more characters you’ll meet over the course of your couch hosting life, but most are just combinations of those mentioned above. But take heed when inviting someone in to crash on your couch what might only be for a day or two could turn into almost your whole season and no one wants that.
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