The season might be over for most, except for those few select holdouts that have somehow found themselves in a vortex of winter wonderland. All this means is that everyone that isn’t getting after it while they still can has probably moved on to other endeavors or started the seasonal bitching of how are they going to survive the off season. Well relax after years of reading every possible survival guide, we’ve come up with a top 10 list of bad ideas that no publication other than us would actually recommend doing.
10: Extreme scooter riding. Now that our favorite redheaded poster child Shaun White has made it cool to own one of his scooters, you should jump on it now. After all skateboarding is for hipsters and longboarding is for frat kids named Chadwick von Chadenstein.
9: Join the National Guard or Army Reserves. The 10 weeks of training you go through on top of the other crap will kill time, plus you get to travel, meet interesting new people, and get your body in shape. Think of all the work outs you’ll do to get in shape. Splitboard? Fuck that thing you’ll be running up that mountain getting your lines. Sure the U.S. is in a time of war, but hey think of the sandboarding possibilities.
8: Everyone knows snowboarding isn’t cheap and the off season is the best time to hustle and try to make some money for all the expenses one can expect during the season. Well sure you could get a real job, or perhaps you actually have one of those, but what is better than those? Well how about contributing to the delinquency of minors as well as adults with questionable moral fiber. That’s why we strongly recommend getting into selling fireworks. Sure it’s not as dangerous as say selling drugs, but it still comes with its own set of risks. Like that kid I went to school with who we called thumbs that blew his hands apart in a freak sparkler accident.
7: If you live in or near a city this bad idea just might be for you, hell Hollywood has made countless movies about it. Yes, that’s right I’m talking about fighting the homeless or bored construction workers for money. Channel your inner Jean Claude Van-Damme and show your Lionheart. Not only will your body take the same if not worse pummeling a season of riding does, but you can actually make money from it… well if you win. No one likes a loser, especially your judgmental father.
6: Quit your job, quit your life, and lock yourself in yours or your moms basement with an Xbox and Internet connection. If anyone asks you what you’re doing tell them you’re training for the X Games since they decided to add video games to their action sports empire. Also practice your shit talking as much as possible.
5: Porn. Whether watching it or being in it, it’s guaranteed to kill some time. Granted if you’re watching it you’re losing a potential revenue stream and just getting calouses. So why not tap into this billion dollar industry and utilize your computers webcam. Hello easy money, goodbye morals. Just be careful of having a family member find you while they try to get their self love on. It could make for some awkward family moments at the next gathering.
4: Alcoholism. It’s one of the greatest pastimes in the world. It’s already a natural depressant so you might as well just help yourself since you’ve already become Debbie Downer for the next 6 months. Have some drinks with friends or alone until you get so blacked out you don’t remember where you are and wake up next to questionable people in different bedrooms. Think of it like time travel, the more you drink the further into the future you go. Granted your liver might hate you and jaundice isn’t exactly the best skin color out there, but if it worked for Babe Ruth it can work for you!
3: Binge eating. Nothing screams depressed like over eating and as America is all about letting everyone know that being fat is a lifestyle you should get in on this craze. Here’s some of the winter advantages to this. Plus it also ties into number six with being a ‘professional’ gamer. Speed? Yeah the fatter you are the faster you go. Oh you hate spending money at the resort lodge on food? Who needs to eat when your body is devouring all the lard you packed on in the off season? Finally everyone knows the bigger you are the more insulated from the weather you are, so bulk up and prepare your body for those natural base layers. Say it with me I’m big, I’m bold, and I’m beautiful.
2: With all the talk of drug use that has been mentioned in this list maybe we should talk about one of the best money making schemes out there when working with illegal recreational drugs. Yes, that’s right drug muling. If you can swallow a hard boiled egg whole, you can swallow a balloon full of drugs. Now go talk to your local weed dealer he probably knows someone that knows someone that needs someone. Think of all the free travel you get out of this and worry less about a guy named Steve shoving his hand up your ass checking for certain substances or that the water in a third world countries prison will kill you. Oh what if a balloon pops? Well see number one on this list and enjoy the ride!
1: Hard drug use. Sure this might not be healthy for the long term, but the short term side effects are having a hard chiseled body like your favorite musician. Iggy Pop was on to something as was Mick Jagger. Also if a bear can hibernate all winter long, why can’t you just go into an illicit drug induced coma for a few months? See number 2 on this list on how to provide your body with nourishment and number three on how to help get it into this country. On the other side of the drug induced coma is smoking meth or crack, if having cat piss breath is your thing. Not only will this speed up the down time of the off season, but your productivity will go through the roof. Hey if not sleeping worked for Einstein it could probably work for you. The downside is that you might become addicted and sell your snowboard or all the copper wiring in your domicile, your choice.
Now seeing as we live in a super lawsuit crazy world we should probably say don’t do these things and blame us, at least take responsibility for your questionable actions. After all no one wants more scooter kids at the skatepark.